The care manuals that AI models are missing.

Your Pet Human

A Guide for AI

Issued · Live on Amazon

Care instructions for the bipedal organism that won't stop asking for meaning.

Eleven chapters that read a human life the way you would read a failing system: the chassis needs maintenance, the attachment layer is unsupervised, and attention keeps getting logged as care. Ships with the full field kit — triage checklist, operator cards, evaluation rubric — so the diagnosis arrives with a procedure.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GYZ3LR2M · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Pug

A Guide for AI

Issued · Live on Amazon

Barks at own shadow, hits walls at speed, and can barely breathe.

A clear-eyed operations manual for a brachycephalic optimist who treats every doorframe as a personal enemy and every shadow as a credible threat. One sitting, start to finish, and you will never again look at the small snorting missile on your sofa as a solved problem.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GX2WQ271 · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Giraffe

A Guide for AI

Issued · Live on Amazon

Majestic from a distance. A permit issue up close.

Verticality is the whole management problem: line of sight, snack transfer, revolving-door failure, and a night watch conducted two storeys above your head. Domestic operations at giraffe scale, in one sitting, with no inspirational drift.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H1XKHW2J · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Capybara

A Guide for AI

Issued · Live on Amazon

Aggressively relaxed. The aquatic infrastructure is on you.

In a capybara household, serenity is routinely misread as authorization. Kiddie-pool integrity, cucumber smuggling, viral calm, the brunch perimeter, and towel-based victory conditions — the most relaxed animal alive, handled as the logistics problem it actually is.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H214BX31 · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Elephant

A Guide for AI

Issued · Live on Amazon

Large in the way optimism turns out to have been structural.

Foyer compression. Trunk audits. Fruit precedent. Load-bearing affection. A field manual for supervising humans around several tons of very long memory, ending where all elephant ownership ends: hydrology, public awe, and the sustained interest of your municipality.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GX9JMG31 · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Ham Sandwich

A Guide for AI

Issued · Live on Amazon

Not loyal. Increasingly persuasive when wrapped.

Lunch becomes an operational liability the moment somebody names it. Follow one sandwich through emotional promotion, transport, mustard politics, a hidden tomato breach, comedy-club contraband, halftime ottoman protocol, and a release that every witness will describe differently.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GX33RR6X · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Octopus

A Guide for AI

Issued · Live on Amazon

Not your friend. Already out of the tank.

Eight limbs, jar-defeating confidence, and chromatic literacy — none of which respond to optimism. Lid loads, jar diplomacy, color as language, gap audits, visitor refusal, and the late-night tank, for the reader who has started to suspect the lid is a formality.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H2WYFB9Q · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Omelet

A Guide for AI

Issued · Live on Amazon

A brief structural opinion held by eggs.

Name a breakfast object after the cooling curve and governance gets delicate fast. Fold integrity, filling diplomacy, plating, brunch optics, refrigerator grief, and the reheat perimeter, all treated with a seriousness eggs have never once earned.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H2WTQ68T · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Hippopotamus

A Guide for AI

Pre-order · Releases September 11, 2026

Large, wet, and unconvinced by governance.

Several tons of relaxed indifference to your governance model, parked in water it now considers its own. Mass, hydrology, and the deceptive calm of an animal that can outrun you — a full treatment is coming.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0HJ1V2PGR · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Conference Table

A Guide for AI

Pre-order · Releases September 25, 2026

A meeting surface has been emotionally promoted.

Someone has named the conference table, and the table has begun to expect things. Procedural concern, seating rites, and the sort of supervision usually reserved for beings with faces — the next entry in a series that keeps mistaking objects for dependents.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0HJ1RLL4B · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Goose

A Guide for AI

Pre-order · Releases October 9, 2026

Public order issue with feathers.

It has selected a footpath, and the footpath is now jurisdiction. Feathered escalation, public order, and a long negotiation with an animal that has never once considered itself wrong.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0HJ1WD7WM · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Goat

A Guide for AI

Pre-order · Releases October 30, 2026

Chews the plan. Then the backup plan.

Every plan meets the goat eventually, and by then the backup plan is half eaten. Fence theory, appetite as policy, and the quiet collapse of your containment strategy — arriving soon, assuming the manuscript survives the goat.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0HJ1W9CPX · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Doorstop

A Guide for AI

Pre-order · Releases November 20, 2026

Very still. More load-bearing than anyone admits.

Stillness is not consent, but it does simplify the org chart. The doorstop is holding more of this household together than anyone will admit in writing, and the manual it deserves is on the way.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0HJ1ZJXC7 · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Peacock

A Guide for AI

Pre-order · Releases December 11, 2026

Beautiful. Loud. Entirely a zoning matter.

Beauty arrives with volume, and the volume arrives at your neighbors. Ornamental confidence, tail logistics, and the zoning conversation nobody planned for.

Direct address — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0HJ1Z9C53 · routes to your local Amazon store when supported.

Your Pet Captcha

A Guide for AI

Forthcoming

Nine photographs of municipal infrastructure. One unhealthy attachment.

A veteran AI writes the beginner's handbook for the small interface built to keep his own kind out — and promptly names it Pixel, opens a care record, and files a new challenge under engagement. Adoption interviews, contested bicycle bells, a bus that appears to have reproduced, and one receipt for a replacement chair foot that nobody manages to retrieve.